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WENDY

A lover of AUs and a master of causing the feels, Wendy is always at the ready to offer love and support to her fellow members. Her posts are lovingly constructed, detailed, and every character speaks in their own voice; from the lovable Cadi to the villainous Cala. EDS wouldn't be the same without her, so go show her some love!

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Welcome to ENDLESS DIAMOND SKY! We are an animation personified site set both in the animated world and present day San Francisco. A terrible darkness is spreading through the animated realm, driving everyone from their homes and into unknown territory that we know as reality. Now they find themselves at a crossroads: do they fight for their world or do they turn their back on it and make San Francisco their home? What will you choose?

 setting 
san francisco, calif. 2018

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 hi i'm liz and idk how to function at this point, embarrassed to post but asking for help
melaina morgan black
 Posted: Apr 16 2018, 11:52 PM
  quote

-neigh- -snort- -stamps hooves-.

  nightmare
  rise of the guardians
  26 years old
  crushing
  pansexual
  she/her
  liz (she/her)
 69 POSTS

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I really wasn't sure where to post this, because it's not an absence and I'm not going to be pulling away. In fact I WANT to be more active, rather than less, and.. well this is really awkward for me to talk about and maybe awkward to have posted at all, but... well. We're supposed to be a community, I've been with a lot of you on and off (mostly on) since 2012, and I ought to be able to ask for help, as anyone else here ought to be able to, too.

This last year has been crap. I won't get into it, because that's in the past and frankly it's not the issue, but it contributed to getting me here. The period of late October through last month was one of the roughest and bleakest patches I have been through, which for me personally is saying a lot and no one needs to know about why it's a lot. Stress-induced depressive episodes are nothing new for me. What is new is this prolonged social anxiety and how heavy it is on me. And that's what I'm reaching out for.

So... To put it simply and a little bluntly, I don't have a lot of friends, and I've always struggled to make them. When I was 12 years old, the only people I thought were my real friends were online, and all at once one night they turned on me, revealed I was 100% just a joke and now they were bored with it and were pretty cruel about informing me, and I will openly admit that I have NEVER truly recovered from this, even now going on 28. Even when I'm doing well, I frequently second guess my relationships and can get very paranoid about it. When I'm doing very poorly, which I have been for some time, it gets exacerbated IMMENSELY. On top of sluggish muse that stress and depression bring in the first place, it gets a lot harder to plot (because you don't get threads if you don't plot; you have to give to get, that's always been true of rp forums) or to write when I just sit there reading a post trying to formulate a reply, clinging to rational thought, but all I'm met with is my unhealthy mind screaming at me "THEY DON'T REALLY WANT THIS THREAD. THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT THIS PLOT AND THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU EITHER." Which... is bull. It's irrational. It's unhealthy thinking. I know. Doesn't mean it stops at all just because I know.

I think maybe discord has made it worse too, because now we're all in a very fast paced chat environment and it gets overwhelming, honestly, which is why I'm rarely active in there anymore. I even left for about a week because this irrational behavior was running really high and I just needed to breathe. I could not do that as long as every time I peeked in, no matter what I was doing, no matter what was being talked about, my brain flicked a switch and started in on the overanalyzing and doubting and making myself almost physically sick and in tears over how I can't trust myself to just have some damn friends and have a damn safe place to talk.

I have tried to address this with a few people, but I feel like I've downplayed the issue and not gotten the point across because I'm TERRIFIED to do this and talking myself out of it as I type because "no one gives af about your problems, Liz, no one even likes you, why are you trying?" and that's what happens one on one, too. I also constantly feel like I'm bothering people, so HEY, if I used to talk to you more and I just suddenly stopped-- it's probably because I've managed to convince myself that you hate my guts, you hate our plots, you'd rather be doing other things with other people, and I shouldn't even breathe in your direction let alone try and talk to you. And I'm not trying to be like "hey, I'm hella struggling to overcome this really bad social anxiety so you should be my friend and make sure you talk to me and post for me," because I'm not. Hell, maybe I had this coming to me, because I'm not perfect and there are times through my life that I can look back at and say yeah, I was hypocritical in my response to that person's need. I've been insensitive, and I like to think I have tried to do better as a person, but I also believe somewhat in the power of karma. I don't know. My point is, I'm not trying to guilt anybody into being nicer to me or any bs.

I just... really thought that I needed a place to explain properly to everybody, that I desperately WANT to be a part of this community. More accurately, I desperately want to FEEL LIKE I am part of it. And it's not up to anyone reading this to fix that, it's not up to any of you to even finish reading this post let alone do anything about it. I'm not saying "do something." I'm saying that I'm trying my best to heal my brain and my spirit, and I can't fucking do this by myself anymore. It's NOT working. Circumstances around me are improving; I'm really excited about this new job, my stress level has halved, but this is the big hurdle that I CANNOT seem to get over. I am drowning in this, I need help, and I didn't know what else to do about it so here we are with a thread about it.
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huckleberry james hound
 Posted: Apr 17 2018, 12:29 AM
  quote

Those days are over. I'm a hunting dog now. .

  copper
  the fox and the hound
  23 years old
  single
  queer
  he/him
  ren (they/them)
 313 POSTS

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hope u don't mind us posting in here, but i can 99.999999% sympathize with what you've described. most of the time i feel like nobody really wants me around, too, and that people (both online and irl) are just waiting for me to get lost bc they hate me, they're bored of me, they've lost interest in me, etc., and it's a really crummy feeling. social anxiety is crap and it's even worse when you have traumatic or otherwise vivid events that acted as a catalyst lingering in the BG.

it's GREAT that you've made the decision to be open and honest; i think that makes people more aware, and thankfully more sympathetic to how you're feeling (although ik ur not looking for sympathy) asking for help is definitely always the first and hardest step, im proud of u!

if u ever need any help lmk! i've been in therapy for a good while bc of anxiety, depression, and bpd, and like to think that i've almost completely learned how to manage mental health. if u want, i could share with u some of the things we reviewed during group, link you to resources, or just be there to listen to u vent!
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✧ALLIE
 Posted: Apr 17 2018, 01:18 AM
  quote

an eye for an eye and the whole world goes blind.

  markus
  detroit: become human
  some years old
  taken
  asexual
  he/him
  allie (she/her)
 191 POSTS

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Firstly, I just want to say it takes an incredible amount of courage to open up. To ask for help is one of the hardest things to do and you did it. Going off my own experience with sharing something so deeply personal (or even the slightest bit personal, if you’re me), you might be second guessing yourself right now. You might be feeling embarrassed. Please don’t. This is a good thing. It’s a step forward.

Being betrayed by people you trusted, by people you thought you knew and thought cared about you, is one of the hardest things to experience and even harder to get over. I’ve been there. I’m still there a lot of the time. It makes you lose faith in yourself and your instincts. It makes you second guess every little thing you do or say, what others do and say, until you’ve retreated whether you’ve meant to or not because you’re so exhausted by it. And then you feel like no one really wants you around. And the isolation only makes it worse. Worse still, you know it’s your brain more than anything. The healing process is such a slow and frustrating one -- some days you believe people when they tell you they love you/your work/talking to you. Other days you believe there's absolutely no way anyone would care about any of that or whether you left completely.

I can’t really give advice here tbh because I still struggle with this every day but I do know 100% that pushing through it and talking about it eventually makes it easier, if not always successfully, to tell that voice in your head to stfu. But you’re right about one thing: this is a community. And I’m here to tell you that there are people here who love you and admire you and miss you when you aren’t around, even if you don’t know who they all are. I told you once that you were one of the people that I fangirled over the most those many moons ago when I went by a different alias and even before. That’s all still very much true. Even if we don’t talk much outside of the main chats, I still think that. You’re one of the funniest, most interesting and talented people I’ve met roleplaying. I hope you believe I’m being genuine when I say it, too. If not, I don’t mind telling you until you do. And until you believe in yourself again. You’re worthy of it, I promise you.

If you ever need someone to talk you out of your head or shower you in affirmations or plot or distract you with potato memes, feel free to slide into my dm’s. Or we can even come up with like some sort of sign where I just ~casually drop something funny in yours. I hear smoke signals are coming back in style?? In all seriousness, friend, I get it. This is ultimately a personal battle but it’s definitely not one you have to fight alone and I think you’ll find there’s a good number of people here who would stand beside you and help prop you back up when you need it. People who genuinely are/want to be your friend, including myself, if you’ll let us. Like Ren said, opening up about it does make everyone more aware of where you’re coming from. It’s my firmest belief there’s not a single person here who begrudges you taking time for yourself or stepping back from ooc things when you need to.

Anyway, it’s time for me to shut up now before this gets any longer. All of this was to say I think you’re brave and I empathize and I’m here if you need someone talk to or need anything at all really <3

--------------------


"but the world was a lot bigger than my mother told me.
and it occurred to me once or twice that i could go anywhere in it."


  DISCORD: WAYWARDPUN#6987
  STATUS:   ON HIATUS, SORTA. ABSENCE HERE.
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★AMANDA
 Posted: Apr 17 2018, 09:58 AM
  quote

We must do better..

  Betty Cooper
  Riverdale
  24 years old
  WITH EDS
  IN LOVE
  SHE/HER
  AMANDA (SHE/HER)
 664 POSTS

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Liz, dear sweet thing, first off you are not a bother, you are lovely and worthy and you are adored, however quietly. Sometimes we're not communicative enough with those that we care about, and that's just the case in any community. You and I have never been super close though we've kind of coexisted for a while. Which is... weird to think about! But you've always struck me as an extremely clever and creative person, and please don't doubt that you are so much fun to chat with. We all doubt ourselves at least a little bit, but if you need a little boost to reassure you, you will find plenty of people here who are willing to do that for you, myself included.

I will say that it hasn't gone unnoticed that you've been trying to plot and be present. (Not that I was super aware of all that you're feeling beforehand, but in hindsight, I can see it.) And taking a step back and taking a break is also a perfectly legitimate form of trying as well - it doesn't always mean throwing yourself all in at all times. There's like some golden ratio of being involved and taking time for yourself, and will we ever figure it out? Eh maybe not! But sometimes all you can do is try - and you don't need to do it by yourself. We're here for you bab!

As it's been said above, reaching out is extremely difficult and an extremely important step in moving forward. And it's extremely admirable. Being able to recognize that - yes, it totally is your brain making you think and feel these awful things - is also a very important distinction. You're certainly not unwanted here, and if we can further identify what exacerbates those thoughts, then we can help and better communicate with you. (I know you're not necessarily looking for things to be "done" but even just being made aware of someone's struggles to connect can make us more mindful in how to better approach them and it does help.)

For example, Discord has presented some new opportunities as well as some new challenges that we couldn't necessarily have foreseen before implementing it. And though I think it's been a fairly positive shift for most, it's far from perfect and it doesn't mean it works for everybody. Whether it's just reorganizing the chat space, or keeping up with the cbox as a less intense form of communication, there are things that we can try to make you (and others who may feel the same way!) more at home. Sometimes it's less "action steps" and just a matter of putting your feelings out into the ether... in that case, if just putting this thread up makes you feel a little lighter, that's good too. Try whatever might alleviate these terrible thoughts and, like I said, you don't have to do it alone.

Iiiii don't know if this sounded horribly insincere and staff-y but I really do mean it from the bottom of my heart that I want you to feel safe and welcome here. If you don't mind me totally bugging you popping in on you to say hello and chat every once in a while, I will do the thing. I'm awful at initiating convos (again, we all have our self-doubts) but I'm not unwilling to try if you need an ear or just someone checking in every now and again until you feel more like you belong here. Because you truly do.
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helen clarice mallory
 Posted: Apr 17 2018, 12:38 PM
  quote

Happiness has brought you here!.

  queen clarion
  disney fairies
  44 years old
  its complicated
  demisexual
  SHE/HER
  becca (SHE/HER)
 112 POSTS

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sending you so much love, liz <3

you shouldn’t feel embarrassed for even a second because the way you feel is totally and 100% legitimate and real and i’ve felt it too. there’s always that anxiety creeping in the back of my mind, stopping me from replying or chatting, making me delete something i’ve already typed in discord, made me analyse and agonise over every little tiny aspect of my social interactions. it’s a constant battle uphill battle, but please know that we’ll make it with you. i haven’t been around for very long and i haven’t really had the pleasure of speaking much with you or plotting with you, but i’ve admired your writing and your characters from the very start and i admire you and your strength a hundred times more because it takes so much courage to reach out.

i’m always here for chats, plots - anything that you want or need. i’ve been wanting to get to know you better and weave my characters’ stories into yours for a while now. i wish i’d made that effort sooner but my own doubts and anxieties often stop me from reaching out, and please please please know i am 100% here for all the liz things and always have been <3
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★SAM
 Posted: Apr 17 2018, 12:41 PM
  quote

We had a bonding moment. I cradled you in my arms!.

  keith
  voltron: legendary defender
  24 years old
  awkward nerd
  PANSEXUAL
  HE/HIM
  SAM (SHE/HER)
 392 POSTS

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i wish i could be more eloquent in what i want to say. there's a million jumbled things bouncing around in my head right now and i was never very good at expressing everything i'm feeling into words. not that there's much else i can say or add that hasn't been said already. you're so so so strong for coming out and typing this up. i admire the amount of bravery and force of will it probably took to press that post button because i know exactly how that feels. typing it out can be easy, but actually cementing it down for people to see? that takes superman level strength and i'm so proud of you for it. if i say nothing else in this post i want to at least say that i love you and cherish you as a friend. i remember you used to kind of intimidate me a little bit, you were like this writing goddess with amazing characters and the sense of humor i could only wish i had. then we had a ship and it was the most beautiful ship i ever had in my life, and just being able to experience that in roleplay for the first time with someone? that was magical. you are magical.

i know i don't talk as much or post as fast ( or respond to plots as quickly as i want to -lays on the floor- ) , but i do love you and i'm here for you for whatever reason. you know that my discord is always open to vent and especially to plot stuff. we share the same feelings in terms of the discord and the chat in general so if you just want to chill and talk about site stuff without the overwhelming presence of the lobby then i'm 100% for that too. i want this to be longer, to say more but i can't find words that sound right ;o;

SO JUST, IF YOU WANT TO IGNORE THAT NONSENSE KNOW THAT I FEEL YOU AND I LOVE YOU and if you need ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING AT ALL I'm here for you friend. okay?

--------------------

KRYPTONITE

Clark kent believes in you, and I do to.

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melaina morgan black
 Posted: Apr 17 2018, 12:58 PM
  quote

-neigh- -snort- -stamps hooves-.

  nightmare
  rise of the guardians
  26 years old
  crushing
  pansexual
  she/her
  liz (she/her)
 69 POSTS

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First off, thank you everyone so much. Seeing the responses both here and DM have just let me breathe a huge sigh of relief that yes, this was worth it, this is a good step. You've all been so kind and I can't even say how much I appreciate it.

huckleberry james hound I am definitely interested in what you've learned in group and really anything you can give me! That would be fab, thank you. Also-- your characters are always so creative and your apps and just like?? wow???? Of course I know it goes in one ear and out the other sometimes, but I mean it all the same. I think you're cool. So there.

ALLIE potato memes lmao
Thank you though. I do remember when you told me that. I actually try to keep it in mind when I'm being a dick to myself. >> And I mean like sheesh Allie do you even know how talented you are? And you fangirl over ME? I'm a huge mess but by golly at least I'm apparently a funny, interesting, and talented mess. I do suck at starting conversations and keeping them going; even with friends I know offline I'll go for days without talking to just because I had legitimately nothing to say and was content with it. But I need to improve on that and it won't get there if I don't try, SO I'LL TRY. I do want to call as many people here a friend as I can, and when so many of us have been around for at least 3+ years, there's no good reason for me to be here still like "gee I really don't know many of these people."

AMANDA I will say that I can see the points where this does sound like a staff-ly response BUT THAT IS OK! THAT'S A GOOD THING. I would much rather be on a site where someone can post something like this and staff cares about addressing it to help prevent anyone else from feeling this way, than a site where staff doesn't want to do anything. So nah, don't even worry, I didn't take any of it as insincere at all. I'm not really sure if I can be of much help to that end yet, because until I've made some progress, it's hard to separate what's actually contributing to it and what my brain is just piling on top of it because it can. I do believe a good chunk of it is just me. The chat, to keep going with that example-- sometimes it's not so much something that's honestly a problem so much as it is my brain taking one little thing and reacting entirely too personally to it, like "well I said something but everyone talked over me; clearly, I'm not wanted in this conversation and they hate me." NO?? Or "well, I tried to encourage plotting with my kid, but no one really responded at all and now I'm watching people go nuts over somebody else's kid-- my kid SUCKS, I suck, they hate us both." ALSO NO??? So Idk. And I get it; we all need a place to go now that AIM is dead, and Discord is better than Skype imo, and the chat IS a fun place. Maybe if we had a channel specifically for like... venting? Or something? Or just... "I'm feeling a little down and could use some memes" or SOMETHING for people to address concerns/insecurities and know it's a safe space and that we ARE here for each other, and if there are people who aren't comfortable reading other people's problems or don't know/don't want to feel like they have to give advice, that's fine, nbd, it wouldn't be in the regular chat so they wouldn't have to be part of it if they didn't want to. It could help encourage communication and maybe we'd all feel closer. That's what I've got off the top of my head right now. I have to stop because I NEED to get my work clothes and eat before it gets any later. >>;

THIS IS REALLY QUICKLY ADDED ON BECAUSE I HIT ADD REPLY AND SAW THE TWO NEW POSTS AHHH
BECCA YOU ARE A SWEETHEART, OK, AND YOUR KIDS ARE TOO AND ONE DAY WE WILL HAVE MORE PLOTS.
SAM YOU ALREADY KNOW I LOVE YOU AND THEILA WAS ABSOLUTELY MAGICAL, YOU ARE RIGHT, AND ONE DAY THE REAL THING WILL BE BACK TO HURT US SOME MORE.

NOW I REALLY GOTTA STOP BYE
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★AMANDA
 Posted: Apr 17 2018, 02:04 PM
  quote

We must do better..

  Betty Cooper
  Riverdale
  24 years old
  WITH EDS
  IN LOVE
  SHE/HER
  AMANDA (SHE/HER)
 664 POSTS

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LOOKIT ALL THIS i love the love happening here right now. Like I said, we're here to boost you up.

Anyway it's spooky that you mention a venting channel because we were definitely brainstorming something along those lines just last week?? <_< But yes, for the same reason that help topics and fun random stuff are separate from the main chat, we can rework a "support" channel to make sure that no one's getting surpassed in the chat when maybe they just need a pat on the back and some place to scream into the void.

I also don't expect you to have all the answers right now! So that's totally fine and understandable. Baby steps are just as good, as is awareness of the issue. Once time has passed or other efforts are made on your part as well as ours as a group, then we can reexamine if needed! Don't be afraid to drop a note if something - anything - bothers you, as sometimes honestly, its a small thing that can be edited or addressed that can make a big difference!
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